An Outsider’s Thoughts on the FIFTY SHADES OF GREY Trailer

That kinky book your mom keeps hidden in her dresser drawer is finally being converted to moving pictures. Fifty Shades of Grey is coming, y’all! Get your popcorn ready! I have never read a page of any of the Fifty Shades books, so the image I have in my head of the target demo is a 47 year-old woman surrounded by cats flushed and sweaty dreaming that some sex-crazed guy will sweep her away and toss her in a secret sex room complete with whips, blindfolds, and more toys than you can fit in the standard U-Haul truck. The movie’s first trailer was recently released and it is… rather tame, actually.

Without further ado: here are my second by second reactions to the trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey. To the videotape!

0:07 – That girl looks really sad. She could really use a guy to belittle her in bed.

0:11 – Enter classic Hollywood trope of beautiful girl put in a cardigan and a flowery top to let us all know how UGLY she is in the beginning. Gross! And is she… reading??? Un-dateable.

0:14 – That’s the one line I know! That’s the one line I know! Six words that have sent shivers down the spines of disgruntled housewives around the world.

0:23 – Guys who look out windows are really complicated, ya know?

0:30 – A thought hit me when I saw the face blur. Girls (generally, perhaps stereotypically) read sexy books to get their sexual frustration out. Guys (generally, perhaps stereotypically) watch sexy videos. I am of the opinion that the reason women love these books so much is because they can create the “videos” in their head. Blurring out Mr. Grey’s face is building upon that idea. It’s foreplay before we really get down to business. It is important to warm the female viewers up to the images that will unfold before them. They want to see them; they just have to feel comfortable about this desire. In conclusion: girls are just as gross as guys, they just won’t admit it.

0:42 – “There’s really not much to know about me. Look at me,” said the beautiful girl. Man that is some good, subtle writing.

0:46 – And now we see the mystery man’s face. From someone who has absolutely no knowledge of this character other than his penchant for tying people up and sticking things in places they normally wouldn’t go, he looks a little boyish to me. Moving on.

0:58 – “I exercise control in all things, Ms. Steele.” Yeah you do (winks seductively).

1:01 – Let’s talk about the absolute genius of releasing this movie on Valentine’s Day. I know I’m not blowing anyone’s mind when I say how smart this is, but boy do they know what they are doing. Women who feel sexually frustrated on perhaps the most popular day of the year for such relations can get their frustrations out by watching this. Which basically amounts to porn, but won’t make you feel quite as dirty afterwards.

1:08 – And the fun begins. Also—diggin’ this new version of “Crazy In Love”.

1:20 – “I had a rough start in life. You should steer clear of me.” So complicated and brooding. It’s every girl’s dream to “fix” a guy, right?

1:28 – Let the kink begin.

1:31 – Hellooooo, ladies.

1:45 – She’s all in. Innocence, prepare to be taken. Moms, I hope you brought your portable fans and dehumidifiers.

1:50 – Oh boy. This is what I have been waiting for. We have several smash cuts of various kinky acts, leading up to a gasp of breath that will be uncontrollably reproduced by every woman in the theatre many times before the credits roll.

2:00 – FIN

So does this movie have an actual story beyond “guy finds soft spoken girl and turns her into a sex freak”? It seems to be mostly people have silent moments oozing (gross) with sexual tension and then the fun tied-up stuff. Maybe I just don’t get it. I don’t think this book was written for me. But I wonder how explicit this movie will actually be?

Like I said before, they don’t have to go full on porno because of the imagination factor but there is no way this would be a comfortable watch in a sold out theatre. I’m sure they will flirt very closely with the NC-17 rating. Anyway, this movie will surely make $200 million dollars and do wonders for the rope and blindfold industry. I can’t wait!

What do you think of the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer? Could you even handle watching something like this in a crowded theatre?

(featured image source: Fifty Shades of Grey – Focus Features)