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Queerly Ever After #9: THE LOVE PATIENT (2011)

Queerly Ever After #9: THE LOVE PATIENT (2011)

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Queerly Ever After #9: THE LOVE PATIENT (2011)

Queerly Ever After is a bi-monthly column where I take a look at LGBT+ films that gave their characters a romantic happily-ever-after. There will be spoilers.

Sometimes a movie is so bad it ends up being an unintentional hilarious masterpiece, like the previously covered, Capital Games. Other times, a movie is so bad it’s just bad, such is the case with 2011’s The Love Patient, a movie so offensively, irredeemably bad that I questioned whether I could actually finish watching it. I managed to force myself through it so I could tell you to never watch this piece of garbage.

The Love Patient, written and directed by Michael Simon, centers around Paul (Benjamin Lutz), a man who will do just about anything (except be a nice person) to win his ex-boyfriend (whom he dumped in the first place) Brad (John Werskey) back. Brad however, is now dating the bisexual Ted (Jackson Palmer), yes his sexuality comes up later as a plot point. It also needs to be noted that Paul, Brad, and Ted are all coworkers at the same ad agency – there’s so much of in-dating at this company, I wonder what their HR policy is.

Nothing Says Romance Like…

In order to win Brad back, Paul does what any malignant narcissist (not an official diagnosis) with zero moral compass or compassion for others would do, he pretends to have cancer. Yep, you read that right, he pretends to have cancer. What an upstanding guy, right? With a premise like that, and considering this movie is considered a romantic comedy, you know it can’t get much better from there, and it doesn’t. It gets worse.

Queerly Ever After #9: THE LOVE PATIENT (2011)
source: TLA Releasing

In order to make his ruse work, Paul bribes his friend Burt (Mike Pfaff), a doctor and owner of a failing clinic, into helping him fake cancer. What is wrong with these people? You might be wondering what gives Paul the idea to fake cancer, well, there is a little boy at Burt’s clinic who does have cancer. Paul sees how much sympathy this child gets and figures that that’s the best way for him to win points with Brad. Yes, he is jealous of a cancer-stricken child.

With the plan underway, Paul calls Brad from the clinic to reveal the sad “news.” He doesn’t just tell Brad though, in order to really sell it, he tells everyone, his office, his family, the random guy from the beginning of the movie who he has a one-night stand with (okay, he doesn’t tell that guy.) Now, his parents, worried that their son has cancer, decide to move in with him to take care of him through his treatment (which yes, he plans to fake too.) In addition to Paul’s parents Esther (Laura Ulsh) and Walter (John Kilpatrick) showing up, so does his sister Stephanie (Madison Gray).

Like Brother Like Sister

Did I already say Paul is a repugnant human being? Well, his sister Stephanie might be just as bad, if not even worse. Esther and Walter didn’t do so well with the whole teaching their children to have a moral compass thing. From the moment Stephanie arrives, she is convinced that Paul doesn’t really have cancer, and sets out to catch him in a lie. Now, the audience knows that Paul is faking his illness (he even shaves his head to really sell it), and Burt knows Paul is faking, but what reason does Stephanie have to believe her brother isn’t really sick? Does Paul have some childhood history of making up illnesses and injuries for attention that the movie has not informed us of? With Paul, I wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case, but since we are never told that in the movie, I just have to assume that Stephanie is a terrible person.

Queerly Ever After #9: THE LOVE PATIENT (2011)
source: TLA Releasing

Yes, Paul is not really sick, but if you were told that someone you were close/related to had cancer, would your first reaction be, how can I prove they’re lying? No, because you’re not a horrible, self-obsessed brat. When Brad shows up at Paul’s house, with Ted in tow, Stephanie is immediately attracted to Ted. When she finds out Ted is bisexual, she sees this as her in. See, I did say his sexuality would come up again.

The Apples Don’t Fall Too Far From The Trees

This is when Esther decides to host a dinner for Paul. Not just any dinner though, I can’t honestly explain what the heck was going on in this scene, but Esther invites some sort of yogi, or healer (played by a white woman with dreadlocks and face-paint who calls herself Urt) to perform some ritual. This is when we learn that Stephanie and Paul got their terribleness from somewhere, this dinner is one of the most culturally appropriative things I’ve ever seen. It is disgusting and offensive. This dinner turns into a weird, unsexy, psychedelic dance party where everybody couples up. Esther and Walter go off together, Stephanie and Ted get together, and so do Paul and Brad.

Queerly Ever After #9: THE LOVE PATIENT (2011)
source: TLA Releasing

The next morning Stephanie states to Paul that she slept with Ted (yeah, we already knew that) and that, after last night, he is no longer bisexual. Oh Stephanie, selfish, stupid, insipid Stephanie, that is not how bisexuality works. When Ted was in a relationship with Brad, he was still bisexual. When he sleeps with you, he is still bisexual. You do not have some magical vagina that could turn a bi man straight, get over yourself you bi-phobic nincompoop.

Of course, we are now nearing the end of the movie and Paul’s ruse has to be revealed. Brad doesn’t take too kindly to being conned like that and storms off. And then the cops storm in and arrest Paul and Burt for medical malpractice and fraud. No, that doesn’t happen, but it should. Alas, this is a romantic comedy (is it though?) So you know how it’s going to end.

The Love Patient: In Conclusion

Of course, after Paul has allegedly learned from his misdeeds, he and Brad get back together, and maybe also adopt the little boy with cancer (who apparently doesn’t have a family, no he’s not an orphan, he’s just been abandoned.) Ted and Stephanie also stay together. Everyone gets the happily-ever-after they did not deserve.

Do yourself a favor, don’t watch this movie.


Watch The Love Patient

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